Starting today, Betty Danger’s Country Club will answer only to the name “Mary’s Christmas Palace.” Northeast’s best-dressed boozy playpen has already gotten gussied up for—no, not “the holidays”—Christmas, specifically. 

According to in-house lore, Betty has a sub-personality named Mary, who only emerges in the fall. “This year she is starting extra early,” they say. By doing so, “Mary” is steamrolling every cherished holiday between now and December.

Diwali is snuffed out. Halloween has been effaced. Thanksgiving becomes just another stupidly large meal.

In Mary’s public-facing “home,” the decor will last through December 31, meaning Christmas will encompass one quarter of 2019. (The official Mary’s Christmas Palace ends several days short of the Epiphany, but why quibble?)

Nonetheless, at precisely 4:30 p.m. today, Northeast’s country-club-for-all will play out its own Griswoldian fantasy for the second consecutive year. This rendition is bigger than the previous one, with halls decked in everything from “tacky balls and bows” (their words), to tinsel and twinkle strung with lights and garlands. There’ll even be homemade coffee-filter snowflakes, if that’s your jam. (To be clear, they will very much be your author’s jam — in a couple months’ time.)

The goal was to decorate as if “Santa’s elves dropped some LSD.” (Their words.)Courtesy Betty Danger’s

Speaking of jam, anticipate a shift in food and beverage offerings to coincide with Mary’s arrival. Today marks a return to the “American country club classics menu,” which we’re told will feature “festive drinks every weeknight and all day weekends,” as well as Christmastime eats and a special Saturday and Sunday Christmas brunch.

When December finally rolls around, the fourth annual installment of Betty’s Bizarre Bazaar will return, whereupon tricks and treats—no, wait, that holiday’s canceled—quirky holiday wares like “precious cross-stitches and yarn beards” will be available from the hands of local artists.

“Fireplaces will roar, the classic Christmas tunes will soar. The scent of peppermint and whiskey will fill the room, making everyone feel toasty and a little more huggy than normal.”

There’s little left to say except to wish you, dear reader, good tidings of great joy in this season of… peace and… light?

Mary’s Christmas Palace nee Betty Danger’s Country Club
2501 Marshall St. NE, Minneapolis
612-315-4997